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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Aylen" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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09:34 pm
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Rest In Peace
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10:01 am
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The Midwest...
Just to let you all know, we leave for Chicago tonight (Tuesday) via the Greyhound Bus, and we'll be in Michigan by Sunday.
I won't have reliable internet access after this, so if you want to let me know what you're up to (since I can't read lj), give me a call.
Have a good summer, everyone!
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04:36 pm
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Survey (Journal Updating)
Hey everyone,
I'm making new filters for lj so that you won't get bogged down by anything you don't want to read, but you can stay updated.
>>>>PLEASE ANSWER WITH A COMMENT, YO!>>>>>
Would you like to be put on any of these posting lists? Which ones?
-travelling info (updates on where i'm going this summer, where i've been, stuff like that)
-gender stuff (on activism, my own personal gender, books, films, etc)
-everyday observations (rambly posts about things i encounter during the day, possibly including my thoughts on books, movies, random people in line, and other things that aren't necessarily earth shattering)
>>>IF I DON'T HEAR FROM YOU, THEN I WON'T ADD YOU TO ANY, AND WILL ASSUME YOU JUST WANT UPDATES ON MAJOR EVENTS IN MY LIFE, LIKE DEATHS, MARRIAGES AND ALLERGIC REACTIONS (Posts which will be generic friends-only posts).>>>>>
Thanks, all.
-A.
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04:44 pm
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I'm not saying it's the worst thing
So I know that a lot of you, my friends, go through a LOT of shit every day. You get catcalled, chased, grabbed, whispered to and leered at in public streets, hallways, and busses. Strangers stare at you as you walk by. You started getting followed on your way home from school in the sixth grade, when your body started changing. Some of you have been assaulted by people you know, or don't know, while you were just going through your life.
I don't want to discredit all that you've gone through. I don't mean to discount any of it, and I'm not trying to make it sound like whatever happens to me is more important than that. It's most definitely not. You are all very brave. But all I can account for is what happens to me, in my life. And the fact that I was protected from this kind of crap until now is something I'm very grateful for.
Here's what happened:
Last night, around 10:30, Maria and I were walking home from old Fairhaven. Right around 21st and Harris (where that gnarly mini-mart is), this car speeds around the corner. I heard someone yelling, but I thought it was someone drunk in the mini-mart (yes, it's that kind of place). Maria heard them, though, the boys in the car, yelling "faggot!"
Out the passenger side window they threw a waterbottle full of something. It landed on the curb by our feet. Maria started yelling "fuck you" and other choice obscenities at them. "Dyke!" one boy yelled. "Yeah, dyke!" the other one seconded. Then they sped off down 21st.
Current Location: Fx floor three
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10:55 am
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Welcome to my journal
Current Mood:  okay
Current Music: dishwasher
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02:03 pm
[Link] | OH MY FAMILY IS INSANE!!!
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12:47 am
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politics
irridescent peacock indigo swirling deep lovely dark enchanting bright blue drowning
(underneath a pale pink sky)
we rowed and rowed and then rowed no more
but now we can say: we tried.
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mmmgoodandsleepy. looking for work and i feel good and tired and like i could sleep for days now but i am happy and that's what matters and symiosis matters and moving matters and all of it brings the honey-sweet coloring of a long, melted down day.
Current Mood:  good
Current Music: Niko purring
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01:26 pm
[Link] | I can't go to school during the summer. I just found out I can't get financial aid for summer quarter.
Current Mood:  melancholy
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06:21 pm
[Link] | LESSONS WANTED
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My family is going to Disneyland in February. My 12-yr-old brother and cousin, my mom and her sister, my dad and my uncle, and me. I will be left out, either hanging out with the 12 yr olds or annoying the old people ALL WEEK. I'm thinking of ditching them and hanging out with random people I find there.
The lesson, the thing I need is, how do I find people (strangers) to hang out with, so i won't be lonely all week?
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03:09 pm
[Link] | So tired so tired so tired.
____________________
So many big decisions, life is crashing around my head. Canada, marriage, grad school, writing a book for JT, making friends, enemies, my family, christmas. And yet I'm in this lovely golden liquid state where everyone's voice is singing and I'm drugged on sleep deprivation and really it's kind of nice.
____________________
Maria's been very sweet lately (not that she isn't usually, but you know). She stole me a flower from the Haggen's bathroom, even! She also loaned me money, because I ran out, and is covering the bills for me until I get my financial aid check next quarter. Last night I was so sleepy and she patted my head and almost even made me take my temperature because she thought I had a fever, and she kept offering to make me tea and stuff.
I was in this half-awake stupor last night, listening to the soundtrack to "American Beauty" as I half-slept, curled up in the corner with Maria's orange blanket (my favorite!) and thinking about how even though she nags me about vaccuming and doing the dishes I'm still really lucky to be with her, you know? And yes, I know, none of you want to read this sappy shit, everyone just wants the drama stuff, the shit-talking, but there's no shit to talk.
I have the best girlfriend I could ever ask for.
_____________________
I'm headed to Leavenworth via Marysville in a few hours. I'm actually kind of excited to see my family. I think not sleeping softens me somehow, makes me care about people. Most of all, I'm excited to eat pizza with them and then sleep for hours and hours until we have to drive over the pass. They're not bad people, really.
Current Mood:  sleepy
Current Music: battlefield band---mmm
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03:14 pm
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Canada links!
http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/index.html
http://www.ubc.ca
_______________________
I'm terrified of grad school, especially UBC! I don't think I should go there; I'd have to write a book, and all I want is to be an editor.
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: silence
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02:11 pm
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What the fuck?! (overshare)
I went to the doctor's at the health center this morning. I feel like, like I don't even know.
A nurse told me to give her a urine sample without telling me how much it cost. Let me tell you how much I hate UA's. I hate them I hate them I hate them. Surprise surprise, I didn't have to go. So she sets me in a room with a glass of water, urging me to drink. BEFORE I EVEN SAW THE FUCKING DOCTOR.
The doctor, with about a thirty second warning, performed a pelvic exam and another exam which I won't go into detail about. I was on my period, and this was very painful because I already had cramps. Furthermore, I have never even had a PAP test before, so this was all very new and yes, a little bit scary.
She told me she didn't know what was wrong. It could be a bladder infection, she said, but probably not. Oh, it could be the beginning of colitis - and wouldn't that just be dandy -- or it could be just nothing.
She told me I would have to take another bathroom-related test home with me, and bring it back in January. For something she couldn't even tell me what I had!! (Yes, draw your own conclusion about this, but remind yourself that whatever is wrong with me could be really anything having to do with the lower abdomen.)
I have never trusted the health center and I only went there because I couldn't afford the co-pay with my other doctor. I told her I would just see my primary care physician, thank you, since she would be here over break. The doctor said, "Well, she's just going to have to examine you all over again" and proceeds to go and get me the bathroom-related test to take home. "you can just take this to her." YEAH FUCKING RIGHT. Like without a previous check-up or anything?!
(SIDE NOTE: Last year I had bad chest pain. The health center ran heart tests, found out my heart was fine, and then proceeded to tell me I needed to see a cardiologist for $500 "just to make sure". I went to Dr. O'Keefe, my regular doctor, who discovered I had an acid reflux problem, curable with a $15 box of over the counter meds.)
Then she tells me she has to get that urine sample, which is going to cost $15, the same amount as the copay for my REAL doctor. She only tells me the cost when I ask.I decide I'm not doing their fucking test. They had already told me I didn't have a bladder infection, anyway.
I don't tell them this, I say, sure, I'll try again. The nurse walks me to the bathroom, LOCKS US BOTH IN, turns on the water, and says "secret of the trade". What. Ever. I stand there for a few minutes, alone, determined not to do this test because they're all fucking crazy.
I tell her I can't pee, alright, but thanks,and figure, great, I can go home now.
But no! The fun continues. The nurse walks me to the lab, where the tech gives me a whole speech about needing to drink more water. I kid you not. They tell me to sit down, to come later, to take a cup with me. OH LORD JESUS. Remember, they already had me drinking water at the beginning, before seeing the doctor.
And then I lie, say I'll be back tomorrow. (I won't be.) "We'd really like the sample now." OHmygod no, ohmygod i am so not paying for this. "I take off, and behind me I can hear them whispering, "She should just sit here and drink more water and wait."
OH MY GOD.
I feel so empty, so lonely and scared. I didn't come directly home, I went to Jessi and Molly's because I didn't want to be home alone. Now I'm trying to make myself feel better by drinking chicken broth and listening to good music, but I just feel so exposed.
It felt like I wasn't even a person, I was just another vagina -- and I wasn't even there for vaginally-related problems! I tried to tell her I knew what was wrong, it was genetic -- I mean, I just went there for them to tell me what part of my body was aching, so my REAL doctor could help me, but what did they do? Crawl up more than enough orifices and try to force me to pay them for a UA, which they wouldn't've'even told me about having to pay for if I haven't asked!
I know that these things happen all the time, I just need to get over it, your vagina is subject to random inspection, yadda yadda, even your pee isn't your own anymore, get with the program, but I don't feel that way at all. I feel used, somehow, even though I know they were just trying to do what they thought was best.
And the worst part is, that now I don't want to go see my real doctor because I'm afraid I will have to feel like this all over again. And I might have something really bad. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Current Mood:  embarrassed
Current Music: my quiet empty house
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04:55 pm
[Link] | I hate being sick i hate being sick i hate being sick I hate being sick I hate being sick i hate being sick
but i am and now i don't want to go to dinner at church and it's only an hour away and i can't cancel on Coral now or on Maria now but I feel sick... and bad...and hot, but also sort of chilly and weird on my hands and agh.
anyway, we gotta get going to catch the bus to make it to dinner.
stupid facebook, erasing half my friends.
Current Mood:  sick
Current Music: computer lab - miller
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08:25 pm
[Link] | We got a Christmas tree today, and Niko got his shots. I've been feeling tired, and achey, and all around sort of crappy and lazy lately. I slept for 7 1/2 hours last night and then took a two hour nap today!! (the cool part was that maria let me sleep in her bed, and it was roasty toasty because she's using her mary blanket instead of a sheet.)
Right now I'm avoiding doing my class evaluations. I'm really scared for this quarter to be over because it means a new one will start and I will have to do more work! I also have a shitty final to study for, goddamnit.
Meh.
Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Sound of Music soundtrack
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03:06 pm
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Thursday, dead week. Three p.m.
It's so easy to sit and stare at all the framed art pieces and rhyming words
and think: I could have done that.
That could have been me.
To sit back and listen to the scripts written for moaning women, the words
for angry men and think: I could have imagined those words.
What's hard is realizing that it isn't always about skill.
Sometimes it's just a matter of courage.
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Well my day just got worse. Maria got to see k.d. lang on tv while I had to listen to a stupid scene about high school boys fondling girls and going to Hooters!!!! Brat. She didn't have to tell me!!!
Anyway. So yes, I'm crazy and unwashed and life moves forward.
I'm sleepy. And I think I'm sick. I felt nauseous all through script. Or maybe it was just bad writing.
Alas.
Current Mood:  weird
Current Music: computer lab. Maria trying to bribe me into not being cranky
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12:38 pm
[Link] | Sweetness!!
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11:26 am
[Link] | | You scored as Buddhist.
Buddhist | | 80% | Christian | | 60% | Anarchist | | 60% | Cult | | 55% | Catholic | | 50% | Jewish | | 50% | </td>
Religion
created with QuizFarm.com |
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12:12 am
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I'm lonely..really... and even a little scared
Today was Thanksgiving blah blah we're all thankful.
I'm supposed to write nice things about Maria but I can't because I'm about to cry and I'm being selfish and I can't think about her right now because (what else is new) all I can think about is myself.
I let myself in the door about twenty minutes ago and my key stuck in the lock. The handle came apart in my hand. I tried my best to put it back together, but i think it's upside down. It's after midnight.
I just hate it that no one would really care whether I was here there or somewhere else and how I've worked my ass off on this fucking forty page play and how I'm doing all this other publication shit and how I've designed my own major and NOBODY EVEN FUCKING KNOWS, and it's like, well, shit, if I died on Thanksgiving, then three Thanksgivings from now they would think about me more than they did today. It just pisses me off.
I'm turning into such a homebody. I want to be home on my little mattress in the corner. And I know I would be scared and lonely but at least I would be in my own bed and at least Niko would be there to curl up on my lap when I was crying, instead of being all alone and worried about the broken front door and my stupid fucking ...
my grandmother would love me more if I was a drug addict.
Maybe i should start by drinking more. I've never drunk enough to throw up before, and I'm twenty already. Hmm.
Current Mood:  lonely
Current Music: ticking clock --silence
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06:35 pm
[Link] | "Remember that writing isn't about being a writer, it isn't about being in college, going to graduate school, or getting published. It's about experiences. If you are dedicating your time to writing, you aren't a writer. You need to dedicate your time to living." - Emily Jackson
Man. My self-esteem hit its head on a sharp rock this morning and just keeps rolling down towards the bottom.
This experience shit always throws me down and out in the gutter, sometimes for days. I came to college because everyone told me it was the right thing to do, the way to make myself someone in the world. And now everyone's telling me, no, that's nothing, that's not good enough, THAT'S NOT EVEN ON THE CHARTS -- You can't just go to school. You have to fly to Thailand and help feed the hungry, then sleep with a homeless man on a New York street corner, then experience a night in a sweat lodge. You have to be drunk and crazy and irrational and high and unforgiving and unreliable. You have to find money in all the strangest places to get by and you have to find yourself curled up next to strangers. You have to eat pasta in Italy and drink sake in Japan and climb Mount Everest, too.
Well let me tell you something, snotty English-major community. I'm fucking broke. It's a struggle for me just to be here, in Bellingham, where there are no jobs and where tuition is forever skyrocketing. I can't do it, okay?
Just face it. I'm mediocre. I'm not here to be a writer, I'm just here to add commas into the paragraphs the rich bitches who can afford to write, write. Don't talk to me any more about success in the freelancing business, don't speak to me any more about writing well. I'm doing what I'm doing to get out of the shithole where I grew up. I am slowly, but steadily, giving up the idea of being important in the radical sense; I am abandoning this notion that I have an ability to say something that has never been said before, all right?
Please, just leave me alone. I can't afford "experience".
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: sound of the dryer
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11:54 am
[Link] | I have recently re-realized my affection and admiration for the late great Gary Snyder, Alan Ginsberg and of course Jack Kerouac; railroad sailors brave enough to grab their lives and drink them. In little shacks and on moutainsides they sat, jugs of cheap wine and the river of words running over their feet at every moment. I wish I trusted myself enough to leap onto an empty boxcar and ride to New York City; to camp out behind shrubbery alone on a public beach, to survive only from things in a backpack. Maybe the times have just changed so much that it simply isn't possible, anyway.
I feel like the world (my work) has gotten the best of me and all that's left are these hollow hands trying to forge the rest of my work and family together.
The cat peed in my closet this morning.
Current Mood: absent
Current Music: turtle splashing around in his tank, James Taylor in my head
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